Dating Should Not End at the Wedding

Many couples spend months preparing for a wedding and very little time preparing for the marriage that follows.

Before the wedding, they intentionally pursue one another. They plan dates, ask questions, laugh together, hold hands, and make time to talk. Then they get married, life becomes busy, and that pursuit slowly stops.

The relationship that once received their best attention begins surviving on whatever time remains.

Song of Solomon reminds us that pursuit should not end when two people say, “I do.”

The woman says to her husband:

“Come, my beloved, let us go out into the fields and lodge in the villages; let us go out early to the vineyards.”

Song of Solomon 7:11–12, ESV

Notice that she initiates the time together. After everything they have experienced as a couple, she is still pursuing him. She wants to leave their normal routine and enjoy being together.

Mature love does not merely remember when it pursued. It continues pursuing.

Marriage Can Starve Quietly

Most marriages do not fall apart because two people suddenly decide they hate each other.

Often, a marriage starves because the couple stops feeding what they love.

They stop talking about anything beyond schedules, bills, and children. They stop laughing together. They stop showing affection. They stop asking meaningful questions because they assume they already know everything about each other.

Responsibilities are important, but a marriage cannot survive on responsibilities alone.

Your spouse needs more than someone who helps manage the household. Your spouse needs to know that you still enjoy being with them.

Pay Attention Again

One of the greatest gifts you can give another person is your undivided attention.

Sit together on the porch. Take a walk. Turn off the television. Put down the phone. Go somewhere you enjoyed when you were first dating. Ask questions and listen carefully to the answers.

Try asking your spouse, “What is something about you that you do not think I know?”

You may be surprised by the answer.

People continue changing throughout their lives. The person you married years ago has experienced new joys, fears, disappointments, and dreams. If you stop asking questions, you may wake up one day and realize that you know your spouse’s schedule better than you know their heart.

Say What You See

Pursuit also means continuing to notice what you love.

Song of Solomon 6 records the husband praising his wife after they have experienced conflict. He still sees her beauty and tells her what he sees.

When was the last time you sincerely told your spouse:

“You are beautiful.”

“I am proud of you.”

“Thank you for everything you do.”

“I appreciate you.”

“I still enjoy being with you.”

We often assume our spouse knows these things, but love should not always be left as an assumption.

Say it.

Learn How Your Spouse Receives Love

We do not all experience love in the same way.

One person may value encouraging words. Another may feel loved when someone helps with a task. Another may value quality time, affection, or a thoughtful gift.

The important question is not simply, “How do I naturally express love?”

Ask, “How does my spouse most clearly receive love?”

Mature love learns to speak the other person’s language. It serves in ways that may not come naturally because the goal is not simply to express ourselves. The goal is to love the other person well.

Start Small

You do not need an expensive vacation or an elaborate romantic gesture to begin pursuing your spouse again.

Start with twenty uninterrupted minutes.

Take a walk. Share a cup of coffee. Sit close. Hold hands. Ask a thoughtful question. Complete a task that would make their day easier. Tell them something you appreciate.

Do not wait until your marriage is in trouble to give it attention.

Dating should not end at the wedding. Keep learning. Keep laughing. Keep noticing. Keep pursuing.

Keep choosing one another.